Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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