Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
