My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
