i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
