Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
