i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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