i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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