The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
