It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
