If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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