Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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