sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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