I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
