I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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