Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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