toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
