How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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