he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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