I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
