Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
