Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
