My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
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Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize