Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
