Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
