i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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