I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
