Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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