Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
