And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Life is so much better after having sex.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
