yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
