i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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