He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet