ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
