Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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