Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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