She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
