Will you blow on my dice?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
