On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
