I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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