Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
