I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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