I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
