i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
