I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
