I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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