why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
