Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
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We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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