Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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