it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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