I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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