No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
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