I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
