the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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