i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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