dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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