You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
honey bunches of taint.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Couch. On fire.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
