Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
