I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
