Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
