Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
