Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
