I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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