i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
