The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
